Journey of Unbecoming — Importance of being your authentic self

I came across a quote on the internet and it really spoke to me:

“Maybe the journey it’s about un-becoming everything that isn’t really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place”- Paulo Coelho

I don’t know how it made you feel but for me, it really hit me hard and this realisation gave me a great sense of relief.

It also got me wondering: Who am I? Have I lost myself by becoming who I am not all these years?

I took a step back and started thinking — I realised that for most of us, growing up is a subconscious process where we loose a bit of who we are to become more of someone who is deemed acceptable by societal standards. Each time we conform to what society deem is acceptable, we become less of who we are.

I think that everyone can in one way or another relate to this because we are told since young (at least for me) one of these things:

• “You have to study hard, get a college degree to get a good job in society.”
• “You will eventually need to get married, start a family, have kids to live a complete life.”
• “You will climb the corporate ladder to be successful in life.”

As a nation we are taught to have to perform things in a certain way, at a certain time, without taking into consideration each individual needs and desires. We are all different and unique in our ways, yet we are encouraged to fit in and follow the rules, and not try to be unconventional with most things in life.

Subconsciously, some of these reinforcement slowly become our beliefs because it is constantly put into our heads repeatedly by people around us.

If you can relate to the above, know that all these beliefs are handed to us without our consent and we accept them without questioning their validity.

These beliefs are limiting. It limits our potential, it downplays the importance of embracing our own desires.

But really,

Have we ever paused and question does it really HAVE to be that way?

• “Do we really need to get married before a certain age?”
• “Do we need to earn an X amount by X amount of time?”
• “Do we really have to work a 9–5 job if that doesn’t resonate with us?”
• “Do we need to climb the corporate ladder in order to achieve success in life?”

I would say the answers to all these questions is: IT DEPENDS. It depends on what we want in life, but unfortunately sometimes what we want is also subconsciously shaped and clouded by what our society wants. For some of us, we have not really thought about this question or we struggle to find answers to this. It’s common not to think about it, but it doesn’t mean we should not.

WHAT DO WE WANT

Look deep and ask yourself “WHAT DO YOU WANT?”. You may be surprised that sometimes if we look hard enough it may not money, fame or recognition as these concepts are just instilled and built into our definition of success over time. However, you may find other answers and construct your own definition of a successful life.

Regardless which stage we are in life right now, be it near to the end of our lives, or we may just earned our first paycheque in life, these are questions that are not too late to think about. But I strongly encourage people to just start — Start by asking what they want.

Start seeing that we can just un-become anything we’ve acquired in life just because even after years of trying, it does not resonate and sit well. This may be hard at first, and following through this thought process may be hard as you may think “wow there’s a lot of things I have to give up”, but if you are un-becoming something you are not in the first place then you will eventually start to feel a whole lot more liberated and in fact, not losing anything because it wasn’t who we are in the first place. If we change our perspective, we are gaining back who we were meant to be. That is something that no amount of paycheque can amount to.

Maybe when we are younger we do not have the thinking power, financial power or maturity to question these things, but when we get older, even though we have the capabilities to think about it, the question is more of do we have the courage to now think about it? After years of wiring our mind to just follow the norm, I think some of us can find it challenging and uncomfortable to think about who we really are and are the beliefs instilled with us over time without our consent really ours? How many of these beliefs we hold on are actually valid? And on what basis they are valid?

We really need to start questioning ourselves. Everyday.

QUESTION TO FIND ANSWERS

We can not know who we want to be, but then again is that an excuse? Or is that something that we have put at the back of our head because we are too busy trying to meet expectations of what others want us to be. To what point we want to tell ourselves we do not know who we want to be and therefore we would just “just follow the norm for now”.

But a question to ask is how do we know what do we want?

We really never know for sure, but look for signs! Signs are everywhere and we have to look hard for them.

For example, do you ever find yourself walking to the office finding it hard to sit at your desk for 8 hours, or feeling restricted and constantly thinking how you should behave from greeting your co-workers and portraying person in order to feel that you belong to a certain group? You find yourself caught in this situation even after years and can’t seem to get over it. This are low-key signs that you are probably learning to become someone who is acceptable by societal standards in order to fit in.

It is important to find out the source of these unhealthy signs you picked up. Some may argue that is is just stepping out of comfort zone and it’s an essential part of life that all of us have to go through. They may not be wrong because in order to achieve what we want we sometimes have put ourselves through unomfortable situation.

Now, It is important to distinguish between “stepping out of your comfort zone” to achieve what we want eventually and “becoming someone who are not” to achieve what we do not want.

Sometimes, feeling uneasy can be due to us stepping our of our comfort zone to progress into who we want to become, but other times it really isn’t serving anything significant to who we want to become. In fact, going into an uneasy zone might be a sign telling us that we are conforming to becoming who we are not, and it is at that point that we should question if we should move forward with the process or have the courage to call a stop because we realise that it is not serving us in the right direction.

ASK YOURSELF- WHICH ONE IS IT? If it is the latter, then you owe it to yourself to want to do something about it or at least be aware of it.

One way to tell is ask yourself is this- who do I want to become in a few years time. Does the idea of a Corporate Director make me feel excited? Do I ever want to be in that position? If the answer is not really or you are doubtful about it, then chances are what you are putting yourself through isn’t really serving what you want to become.

Also ask “does all of all these that I’m doing resonate with who I am?” If the answer is no, don’t doubt it. It just doesn’t. If something doesn’t feel right or you can’t see yourself doing this for the rest of your life, it probably doesn’t resonate with you and it’s probably not worth putting yourself in that uncomfortable zone.

It can also be hard because in the process we might find ourselves questioning “It does not resonnate with it right now, but how do I know it will not resonnate with me in future? Maybe I just need to give it more time” This is not invalid, and sometimes it may be the case, but at least you are starting to question and then give yourself a timeline if this is the issue you are struggling with. But one advice is — always live in the present and there is really no point in thinking of what you can achieve in the future if you are unhappy with the present.

Even after a year or two, the answers to your questions are unlikely to change much unless you suddenly develop a passion along the way which doesn’t usually happen.

“Learn to live if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.”- Mahatma Gandhi

But whatever it is we just have to keep questioning ourselves and not follow blindly. Answers to what is it that you really want will eventually come if we continue this process of questioning. Once you get your answers, be courageous to pursue it. The last thing you want is after all that questioning and thinking process of finally seeing things clearer, you just stay put at where you are despite knowing in you are in a situation where things are not serving you. Then, you will forever be stuck.

Being stuck with an awareness if more miserable than being stuck without knowing you are stuck.

HAVE THE COURAGE TO FACE IT

Now, that we understand the importance to take the time to think to ourselves what we really want to achieve our of life, not by other’s perceptions and standards but by our deep-seated core beliefs which are usually formed around age 0–7. Once we have the answers, we must also have the courage to face it. Most people fail to face it because facing it will create tons of cognitive dissonance which they have to deal with, and they rather change their beliefs to suit what they are already doing — as that is more often the easy way out.

For instance I may dread doing a corporate 9–5 Human Resource Executive job, and I know this isn’t going to change for the next few years but I would tell myself that “I believe it is important to have the job and enduring a 9–5 is what everyone goes through so I’m no exception” Yeah, we go ahead and tell ourselves this to reduce the cognitive dissonance because it is easier that way rather than having the courage to start aligning our actions to our desires and our beliefs.

Do not make excuses for yourself. A lot of reasons we give to ourselves are just there to make us feel better for not being able to align our actions to our desires due to a lack of courage.

HOW DO WE COMMUNICATE?

Assuming that we have passed the biggest hurdle of figuring out what is it that we really want and finally have the courage to face it. We will naturally drive ourselves to think, how do we get others onboard or how do I get my parents/ my partner or my love ones around me to accept it?

But, do we necessarily need everyone’s acceptance? No. But if they matter to us, it’s good to communicate and be open to hear their feedback. However it does not mean that we need their acceptance to proceed forward.

I understand that some of us have financial commitments, and we live to support our family etc and sometimes we just got to do what we dont want for a longer period of time. But for the rest of us who actually have the freedom to choose how we want to live and spend our time, we may not need to think that much about others acceptance because our lives do not depend on them.

Now it is also important to know that communication is key here. Don’t think that people will not support you if you have not tried planning out the communication to them. Most times, people who care about you will support your decisions if they know you have given proper thought and if you are able to communicate clearly to them in a way that you seek their understanding, and demonstrate that their opinion matters. Ultimately it’s only those who care about you and your well-being matters in your life. For people who don’t support you for whatever decisions you make, you actually need to learn to make peace with that and move on.

Again, I can’t emphasize enough the importance of communication in this whole process of unbecoming. I’ve came to realise that if someone’s support is important to you, then communicate to get their support. Don’t assume that people would be against it just because it’s an unconventional path, and don’t expect people to see things from your point of view without proper communication.

For the sake of your happiness and well-being, it’s a hassle worth going through.

Although it is important to communicate, sometimes things do not turn out the way we want. The worst case scenario is we may fail to gain understanding from people around us, but that is normal and it doesn’t necessary need to stop us from moving forward.

We need to know at some point that we are responsible for our own lives and people’s opinion may matter but should not dictate the overall direction of your life.

Learn how to take charge of our own lived so that we can realise our dreams and our own potential.

I’m relieved to say that at this point in life, I’ve made a promise to myself that I will work towards focusing on unbecoming everything that has been unwittingly handed to me over the past few years, and start living with clear intent everyday.

I hope you do so too.