What does Self-Care mean?

“What is self-care?” — a question I’ve asked a few people around me and got pretty different answers. Some people tell me that self-care means “going for a good hot stone massage” others say it is “taking a break when we feel like it”, and yet some others say “it is a selfish act because self care means putting the self first, and others second”.

So what does self-care actually mean? Firstly, self-care does not happen unconsciously. That is, we have to deliberately make time for self-care and set aside time for it to be considered “self-care”. If I have to come up with a definition, it is a conscious activity which is planned with the aim to improve mental/emotional and physical well-being and it can take practice to master it.

As long as the activity is one that makes you feel re-charge and you take energy from that situation you planned, that is engaging in self-care. For most people it is spending time alone doing things they enjoy doing , yet for others it may be spending time to chill with a few love ones over coffee. Whatever you do that makes you feel re-charged. That is SELF-CARE. It is as simple as that.

Although it is a simple concept but many of us can overlook due to our busy schedules.

But why is it even important to look into this concept of self-care?

Well, self-care helps to improve our mood and reduce anxiety. It is the key to living a balance life where we are often so caught up in the expectations of others and our surrounding that we forget the importance of asking ourselves whether we have sufficient time to create the space we need. It gives us time to pause and reflect on life, to find gratitude in simplest things and keep our mind off stressful and unwanted thoughts. It can sometimes also be in the form of re-framing our thoughts to change our state of mind.

And is self-care really a selfish act?

Contrary to what many people think, self-care isn’t selfish. In fact, it is only through giving ourselves the time to take care of ourselves can then allow us to form better relationship with others. We can then start taking care of others needs without feeling guilty or having our own needs compromised. All these requires practice and I know it isn’t easy.

For me, I’ve been caught in situations where colleagues asks me to go for a social gathering after work and I was already feeling super exhausted from work but I still felt pressurised to say yes anyway without thinking much. This is what I call turning away from self-care.

Fearing that it will disappoint others, I have decided to put others first and let the self suffer. While it’s okay to do it once in a while but all these acts slowly built up tension within the self and eventually we may get into burnout as a result. Further more, saying “no” requires some practice to execute tactfully and it is about getting in the habit of setting healthy boundaries and listening more to your body and knowing when to say “no” even when the situation is difficult. If we don’t practice it often, we will never be masters of it.

The biggest self-care I’ve done till date is actually walking away from my full-time job because I felt that my mental well-being and physical well-being was being compromised. It wasn’t the job that resulted in my stress and anxiety but I accepted a job despite knowing that my conditions did not allow me to. I was not in the right state of mind to work. I carried on for one-month carrying feelings of anxiety everyday to work and it was dreaful to the max. It was not fair for the company either that I could not fully concentrate on the tasks that were handed to me. It was torturous, I was constantly engaged in thoughts like if I were to give all these up I would be disappointing my family, my superiors and colleagues as they all have been nice people to me. It became dangerous when it came to a point where I am engaging in a lot of negative self talk and forming worst case scenarios in my head.

Telling myself “Just do it, you will be ok. Everything will eventually be fine, don’t be weak and don’t be lazy”, “don’t be unmotivated people are nice to you, it’s a place you should stay”, “this is temporary and everything shall past, just endure it.”

Not long after, I decided that I couldn’t do this any longer, and I seem to have signs of depression and anxiety because I am constantly putting others’ expectations of me first, knowing it is a struggle to meet those expectations. I was not choosing self-care, I was being self-destructive. Everything looks alright from the outside, no one asked me if I was okay as I was afraid to show my vulnerabilities and was constantly holding up an acceptable image. However, I knew it was dying inside. It was time when I felt I needed to leave my 9–5 job, because being in it with this state of mind I’m having isn’t going to benefit either parties. It was a difficult conversation to have with my boss and family, but I’m glad I did it. It was hard (no doubt). Quitting my job only 1 month into it, was as hard as I thought it would be. I had to deal with perceptions, my own hesitations and most of it all, I felt apologetic towards the company that spent resources hiring me in. But guess what! The sense of relieved I got afterwards was just indescribable and I only have one thought “I should’ve done this earlier”. Or rather it also taught me to not take up new commitments when we are not ready for it.

I’m glad that I chose self-care over my job, and others’ expectations of me. It was knowing how I was feeling and being brave enough to step out of it despite that situation was hard and voices in my head telling myself not to make regrettable choices. Sometimes, self-care also includes making unconventional choices that may affect your financial income in the short run, but sometimes we really just have to put our well-being above everything else.

I choose to engage in self-care everyday and here are my few important tips for self-care to share:

1. Practice self-talk to ourselves with love and kindness — don’t be harsh to ourselves. For instance, instead telling yourself “you’re so useless” in a situation you feel bad about yourself, reframe it to “it’s alright that things are not working out right now” or “who can help my situation?” Talk to yourself like how you would talk to your best friend. Be kind to ourselves.
2. Start communicating and set healthy boundaries (even if it means towards your supervisor, or people with higher authority) Put your needs when you have to, above anything else. Never feel like you are obligated towards anyone when you noticed that you no longer feel like you want to do certain things.
3. Self-care is deliberately making time to re-charge ourselves despite busy schedules. This could be in the form of spending time alone reading a book, going for a massage or for others they may want to engage in a meaningful conversation with their friends and loved ones. Remember that the key is being conscious regardless what is the activity and feeling you are gaining the energy you need throughout the process.

Whoever you are reading this, know that you are worthy of feeling good regardless of the situation you are in. Start making self-care part of your everyday life and with most things in life, changes are you will only get better at it when you make time to practice it.

And remember this: Self-care isn’t selfish.